Growing in Love
I woke up at 4 am to accompany my girlfriend to the airport with her two loaded suitcases as she moved to Norway for the next year. It is the second time in my life that a loved one has left me for the great adventure of moving to a new place. The first time was with my then-wife after she graduated college and wanted to move to LA to find work. I joined her there a few months later after my graduation, but it didn´t make it any easier at the time. We loaded up her white Mercedes Benz with what we could and I drove her 13 hours from Utah to Los Angeles on Valentine’s Day 2010. I didn´t enjoy it the first time, and I certainly am not having the best of days today, but I know that in both of these situations they were taking a much-needed step in their own life, and I would never take that from either of them.
It isn´t easy. There are times when I felt dejected, unimportant, and like I was only postponing the inevitable end of a relationship. While I could have tried to get them to stay, or even invite me along, I know that some roads must be taken alone. It hurt and still does this time around but I love them both and know that more than anything they needed support. It is hard enough moving to a new city or country without the ones you love nagging you to stay.
Just as it was for my wife after she graduated college, my girlfriend has spent the last year studying for an opportunity of a lifetime. To do something with herself and for herself.
Just like the first time, I have been there in support of her frustrations, the delayed and abnormal physical manifestations of stress as they affect the normal menstrual cycles of a woman´s body. I have held them through tears, and even shed a few of my own despite my short-circuited emotional capacities. But why should I come to this place? Why am I making this information public? Why talk about my ex-wife and my now girlfriend in such a public space–though in truth it´s not likely that many will ever see it.
I write this as a coping mechanism. I write this as a way to define my thinking, and to maybe, just maybe, provide others in my situation with a chance to learn from my experience and growing pains. Do not be angry, or give up when your insecurities shake you up. We need to love and be loved. They both love me and yet they both had to leave for themselves. It will be ok!
In life, I have been the leaver more often than the left. I left my family and friends in Utah. I have left girlfriends and friends in California, Oregon, Washington, and even in Santiago. I have grown used to it. Looking back, I realize that I have been closed off emotionally to most people since I was a kid. I never really felt like my family was my home, my friends loyal to the end as I would give or expect. And though there have been plenty of amazing and important people in shaping who I am today, I have allowed them to fade out into white noise.
Sometimes, I try to think about why this happens… Is it me forgetting to keep in touch with them or them with me? Maybe I wasn´t important to them? After all, many have fallen out of touch with me too–it´s a two-way street. Is it my disdain for using Facebook and Instagram that makes us lose touch? I honestly did give these apps a go, but somehow I felt like a phony for every post. And even when I was on the travel of my lifetime, I would look at their two-week vacation photos and feel like I wasn´t doing it right. Meta was stealing my time, and driving me crazy by comparing me to others. And as far as staying connected to them, it has given me little reason to do so.
As far as I am concerned, most of it is all a lie. All the ¨look how amazing my life is¨ profiles are a facade and brag collages at best. They serve nothing more than to tell people how cool we are without living in the moment or making true connections. They feed on our ego and allow us to feel less than worthy as we try to sell ourselves to everyone from family and friends to employers–Linkedin too. As much as I want to just completely disconnect from these applications and delete my profiles, there are still a few friends out there that I connect with through them from time to time, including a few members of my family. Strangely, I seem to feel so disconnected from friends and family, yet can´t will myself into obscurity from online socializing!
Deep down I desire community. I want to give back and feel real connections with people. I want that father that hands me a beer and wants to talk about life or truly understand me. I wonder if many can even comprehend how fucking bad I want to just feel the familial connection!
¨Want in one hand and shit in the other¨, as my father would say. ¨See which one fills faster!¨
With him, that is our truth. I am sure he loves me in his cultish-lobotomized way. But one thing I have learned in my time of feeling so unloved is that if you truly love someone, you must love them unconditionally. You must support them, even if it means your heart aches to see them, hug them, kiss them, or simply be in their presence. To be altruistic. To listen and encourage our loved ones, even if we hurt.
I love my girlfriend deeply. She is honestly one of the most amazing and important people in my life. We share similar interests in helping others, making a difference, and being genuinely good people. Her absolute beauty radiates from her. Her friends adore her as I do, and she is the best that humanity has to offer. I am lucky to have met her and lucky to have her in my life still. I am hurting now, but know that I can adjust.
For the time being, I will be focusing on building my community through volunteer work and personal projects. To continue learning from her by being more like her. To give me to the community around me and perhaps, if I am lucky, to create my own little family here in Barcelona.
Thank you, Johanna! For being such a wonderful person and partner. I look forward to our next physical embrace. To look into those eyes and tell you again that I love you.
